I got married last week. Thanks for the applause but it was the most stressful event of my life thus far. From the planning process until she walked down that aisle, I was filled with such anxiety and frustration that I hated people more than usual. I love individuals, but people get on my nerves.
Anyone who has planned a wedding and lived to tell about it will inform you that the greatest feeling is when everything is over. I told my wife, Trasie, this and we said a prayer of thanks for the silver lining. I’m sure we didn’t experience anything too out of the ordinary for every other engaged couple in the United States. However, we did have a few twists and turns during our journey to wedded bliss.
First, I’ll explain, if you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a Lesbian, so that means I’m married to a woman. This may shock you, but I don’t care. I proposed to my wife on our one-year anniversary. A few questioned why I did it so quickly. I replied with something about my age and knowing what I wanted in life. I meant every word, but I also knew that we wanted to get married in every “traditional” sense. We wanted a wedding and our family to participate. There were many obstacles against us but most importantly we live in Texas and marriage equality didn’t happen until three years later.
Fast forward to the exact moment Trasie text me about the Supreme Court’s ruling. I couldn’t call her so I called my sister and cried. She shared in my joy and asked the one question that set the wheels in motion.
“So when’s the wedding?”
Trasie and I were giddy for a full month afterward as we geared up for the wedding planning process. Trasie received a wedding planning binder as a gift and was immediately overwhelmed. The binder was enormous with tabbed dividers and glossy pages asking for the precise information about your dream wedding. This was a one-size-fits-all product, but we tried to tailor it to what we needed. The problem with a generic binder is that it also reminds you of what you don’t have while planning a same-sex marriage in Texas – supportive family.
I have an extensive family to the point that I’ve discovered relatives I didn’t know I had. Trasie’s family isn’t as large as mine, but they are close. In Texas, there aren’t too many Black families who aren’t entrenched in religion and ours is no exception. We put off telling certain members of our families for as long as we could. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for six months and definitely put a small cloud over our day. Thankfully, there were others who only see the love between two people and we barely noticed the absent faces. I’ll leave it at that.
We had other bumps in the road which were small in comparison to others. We had some financial hiccups. Wardrobe malfunctions. Bridal party rearrangements. Nothing too serious but we had to regroup after every situation and reassure each other that we would get through this. We did get through it. We emerged on the other side victorious – and married.
My question is this: when does “the change” happen?
With every congratulation from a married couple, we received the sage advice of, “Remember, marriage changes things.” Ready and eager for these wise words, Trasie and I would immediately question the changes. We received the same response over and over. “I don’t know. It just does.” Never a definite answer. Never something tangible. Just, I don’t know.
Trasie and I discussed this at length and of course, we took it as an ominous forewarning. Would our communication falter? Would we cease to appreciate each other? Would we end up fighting over the rearing of our four-legged child, Elijah? Cue soap opera music.
Still floating on the love that surrounded us, we joked about it after the ceremony, wondering if the “change” was instantaneous. It wasn’t.
A week later and we think we’ve changed. Maybe.
“I think we’re more considerate of each other.” Trasie said.
“I think we’re less stressed since the wedding is over,” I replied.
“And more considerate.”
“Yes, and more considerate.”
We know every relationship story is different, this is just the view from where we are.
Did your relationship change after your wedding? If so, tell me how.